Luckily, I have just the man for the job. Baby doll asked me if I needed anything while I'm here in the hospital. I'm always asking for practical stuff. More bandages, extra socks, whatever. On a whim, I told him what I REALLY needed was a big, fat teddy bear. I just want something to hug when he's not here.
How cute is he?? The bear too, of course. I named him Charlie Brown.
It turns out my PEG just needed a day to settle in and seal. I haven't had any problem with it leaking since I last blogged. That was a relief. They prescribed me the tummy medicine anyway, just in case. Supposedly it helps your tummy to empty out faster. I just started taking it on Monday and I've had some nausea since then. I'm going to stop taking it tomorrow and see what happens. Hopefully it's what's causing the nausea and it stops.
There's been a lot of different conversations about my death. Which makes sense since it's fairly imminent. So here's a review of things that have been talked about:
I had a convo with Sam about arrangements. I don't want anything religious going on but I think it would be nice to have some sort of gathering for people to come and admire my pretty urn before I get strewn someplace. I still haven't figured out where I want to be dumped. I might let baby doll choose for me. Meanwhile Sam said that she set up a meeting with a lawyer to discuss some details. I'm her practice run for being the executor of an estate. I feel bad that she's spending money on me before I've even kicked it though so a check will be in the mail tomorrow when I get out of this place to help her cover any weirdo expenses that she incurs.
Meanwhile I talked to baby doll today. We're going to go to Pottery Barn and pick out the urn that I want my ashes to be put in. I asked him if legally it needs to be hermetically sealable or something. He said he doesn't think so. I might stop at a funeral parlor and ask some questions when I get back from the cruise. Seems like there should be some health regulations involved with ashes. Same thing with spreading them someplace. Of course if you don't tell anyone you're spreading ashes, then it doesn't really matter. Maybe baby doll will save my ashes for a bit and then when he goes on his next cruise, he'll discreetly spread me on a tropical beach. How cool would that be??
Dr, Kim is still campaigning for me to continue the chemo treatments. Every time he sees me he verifies that I don't want to start them up again. He told me that the tumor on my neck is totally gone. He said it shriveled up and scabbed right over. He's very proud that he chose a treatment that was so very effective. He keeps bringing it up again and again. He really wants me to agree to continue that treatment once a month to prolong things. I think he's nuts. I was absolutely miserable with nausea for over two weeks after that first (and last) treatment. He made sure when he was in here today that he mentioned to Scott how successful the treatment was. I think he's hoping that Scott will convince me to continue on with those treatments. Little does he know that Scott was there for all of the after effects and totally agrees that that level of misery was intolerable.
Dr. Rob (the shrink/palliative care doc) stopped in to see us last night. It was THE best conversation that Scott and I have had with a doctor yet. He told us all about Hospice and about the different paths that are available to me as I move towards the end. I've heard of Hospice, I knew it had to do with people who are dying, but other than that, I didn't really know anything about it. Now I'm informed and I am muchly relieved. I've been wondering how things come to an end, now I know what the choices are and how things are handled. He then sent a Hospice rep, Marcia, to talk to Scott and I today and she filled us in even further. Then Dr. Rob stopped back again this afternoon and he has agreed to be my palliative care doctor. It's like a 3 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. So I really want to start out with the in home Hospice care but the caveat to that is that someone has to be with me 24/7. Obviously baby doll works so he can't be my only "person". I'm going to talk to Jamie to see if he wants to up his move in date by a month or two. Scott and I will be moving our bedroom to the main floor to make things easier on me. That gives Jamie the entire upstairs just like the first time he lived with me. I just gotta sweet talk him into it. Of course even if he can work from home for the next two months, having two "people" might not be enough. I might have to call in some friends to come spend a few nights with me here or there to make it work. If I can't make this work then I'm going to have to be put in a Comfort Care home. Which would be a bummer but I want to die as painlessly as possible so I'll do whatever it takes. I guess there's one or two large Comfort Care facilities here in Rochester. One of them with 14 beds, I remember Marcia saying. There's also (9) private homes run by volunteers that have two beds each in them for people who are dying. On top of that I guess some nursing homes also sometimes have a Comfort Care section. So, lots of options other than staying in my own home.
Dr. Rob and I also discussed the other aspects of dying. He asked me if I had any fears about dying. I told him the dead part is fine, it's the mechanics that are niggling at me. Am I going to suddenly just start choking on my own blood and drown? Will I wake up in the middle of the night to find a tumor cropped up and blocked off my airway and I slowly suffocate to death? Is the cancer going to creep up to my brain and simply start shutting down the areas that keep my organs working? Dr. Rob said those are all good questions and definite possibilities. But, he said luckily, there's lots of drugs out there. He said if I choose, when things start getting really bad, they can simply keep me largely sedated until I pass. He said not unconscious, there are laws and things that they have to follow but they can certainly make sure that I don't go out in a flame of pain and agony. He also said that if I want to end things on my own terms, some patients choose to stop taking "life supporting measures". Which translates into the fact that they starve themselves to death. Again, he said they can keep me medicated throughout whatever path I choose to take with the last days of my life. That whole conversation was such a relief. I'm madly in love with that man. He's the one that keeps complimenting my "speaking" skills. He calls me a poet. It's funny because his counterpart, I think her name was Barb, said just about the same thing. She said that I am so articulate when I speak that it blows her away. And she had only talked to me twice but she sat there and said that she can tell that I'm a 'fixer' and that I like to take control of situations. That I don't play games and I'm not a drama queen. I like to cut to the chase and just get the job done. I was kind of blown away that she knew all that about me after only two brief convos. Maybe baby doll was talking to her and giving her the low down when I wasn't looking. Either that or she's a seriously stellar shrink!
Another part of the convo I had with Dr. Rob about my death dealt with regrets. He asked if I had a lot of nightmares. If there was anything unresolved in my life. Stuff like that. Other than those night terrors when I ran out of the anti-depressant, I rarely have bad dreams. I can't even tell you when the last time was that I had a bad dream. And no, I don't feel I have anything unresolved or anything to regret. As my FaceBook friends know, every couple of months I would simply post a status that would say "My life rocks!". Because really, my life truly has rocked. I've made some wonderful, loving friends over the years, accomplished a lot of what I wanted to, finally met a man worthy of giving my entire heart to. I knew if I looked hard enough and long enough that he was out there. I just wish it hadn't taken so gosh darned long to find him.
The last part of my convo with Dr. Rob was about what comes next. He told me that he would love to put me in touch with some of the chaplains that he's friends with. He said they range in age from 30 to 80+, and their beliefs range from atheism to Buddhism, to Catholicism, to whatever. He asked me if I had any thoughts about what came next. I think it would be cool if you ended up in a man-cave on a big, comfy couch with an 60" flat screen and surround sound where you could view your entire life minute by minute. See how things really were, how you changed, what you did right, what you did wrong. There should be plenty of popcorn and hot cocoa available for this viewing too. Or even better, an artisan cheese tray with some exotic fruits and breads and chocolates and some good quality wines to choose from. Or maybe you end up in a pod and you get to pick what you get reincarnated as. And it doesn't even have to be something alive. You can be reincarnated as a really nice wooden rocking chair if that's what your heart so desired. Or maybe you get dumped into the middle of an ice hockey game at whatever age you were in the best shape of your life. Fun!
I had one of the shoemaker's elves visit my house recently. They did all sorts of chores around the house much to my delight. My gutters are cleaned, all of my edging is done, and the platform for my garden was built. Turns out baby doll and I were short one board for the decking. Gotta go back and buy one more to finish it. Meanwhile, instead of buying assorted pots and things, I decided to build some wooden steps to use as planters, and yes, I built those all by myself. It all still needs to be painted but here's what it looks like so far.
Okay, I think that's it for the night. I need to go finish my pedicure and then get some sleep. Big day tomorrow!
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