February 27

I have had a no good, very bad, terribly awful week. Last Sunday has been my worst day yet throughout this ordeal. I honestly don't know how I made it through that day alive. I really wanted to kill myself in the worst way. I've read the word 'despair' many times over the years but never really had a feeling to associate with it. Well, now I do. When no matter what happy thoughts you come up with have zero effect on how you're feeling about life, that's what I would call despair and that's how I was feeling last Sunday. God it sucked. I am just so tired of feeling like crap day in and day out. I keep expecting to feel better and I simply don't. I don't understand where I came up with the energy to go to work for that week and a half. I'm wondering if maybe I AM feeling worse instead of better. For a reason. Like the cancer is back again. The CT scan results came back from last week though and according to Dr. M, everything looks normal, he doesn't see any signs of cancer. Of course that was just of my head and neck, the PET scan in March will be full body and will be able to confirm Dr. M's assessment one way or another. I'm announcing right now though, if the cancer comes back for a fourth time, I'm done. No more surgeries. No more removing or moving body parts. I'm just going to let the cancer do its thing and take me away from this place. I've put up a good long fight, and I'm still fighting but I don't think anyone in their right mind would ask me to do any more than what I've already done.

So I have a follow up with Dr. S today. Just a check in to say 'hi' and see how it's going. Baby doll took the day off from work to go with me. He's going to go to my HBO appointment with me today too. I usually don't drag him along to all these boring appointments but as mentioned above, I'm having a bad week so the extra support sure could come in handy. I sent a note ahead of my appointment just now warning Dr. S's PA that I'm going to want to talk about anti-deppresants. Something needs to change about my mental state. Quickly.

I actually ran out of narcotics last weekend. I knew I was going to run out too so instead of taking them every 4 hours I was stretching them to every 12 but I still ran out at 7:00 PM on Sunday night and couldn't get any more until Tuesday morning at 8:30 AM. I'm wondering if that's where some of the despair came in. I was also running a low grade fever and throwing up. It wasn't pretty. I'm pretty sure I went into withdrawal. I've been taking those drugs pretty heavily since August, for crying out loud. Note to self. Do NOT run out again. It's my own fault. I tend to over pour and not pay close attention to my dosing. I'm now being super careful because I don't ever want to feel that bad again. Can't wait to wean off these things. That's going to be a barrel of laughs. Not.

Anyway, as mentioned above, nothing has really changed in the health department. I still have a gaping hole in my neck, most of my pain still comes from my jaw where they removed the tooth, the lymphodema seems to have calmed down for the most part, and I feel like absolute crud, day after day. I thought so long as I could cook and jump my baby doll's bones, I would be happy. Alas, those happy thoughts just aren't cutting it. The only happy thought I could muster this week was my double hammock. I really want the warm weather to come so that I can lie out on my hammock with the sun shining down, a light breeze blowing through the treetops, and baby doll gently snoring next to me. It would be nice to feel that again. 

Which kind of segues me into my only fun topic this week. For Valentine's Day I made a request. I'm usually practical girl. Stove for Christmas, humidifier for my birthday. I'm not much for useless geegaws. But I requested one. I have a thing for piggy banks. Not that you would know it because I don't own any. They're fairly useless, they collect a lot of dust, and they don't go with any decor in any room whatsoever. But I really get a kick out of them. I asked baby doll to buy me piggy bank for Vday. I told him at Christmas time I was in Target and they had a cute little piggy bank wearing a little tutu and a tiara and I had been daydreaming about her ever since because she was just so effin' adorable. Don't you know, three months later, she was still there. Baby doll bought her for me for Vday. I named her Lulubell. In keeping with my nature, I decided that she needs a purpose. I decided to put $2 in her every day. $1 for me and $1 for baby doll. To save up for something special. But what? Maybe a round of golf at someplace we can't normally afford, or hang gliding lessons out in Naples, or.....I don't know, I sat on it for a couple of weeks. My thought about the double hammock led me to Lulubell's ultimate purpose. I think the weather this year has been simply too much for my darkened mindset. Next Valentine's Day we're heading to Florida for a week to lay on the beach. Period. If it's not feasible to cash in my 401k, buy a rental property, and move to the sunny state then I at the very least need to spend a week there in the middle of our crap ass winter. I'm not sure how far $700 will get us, hopefully round trip plane tickets at least. Maybe my father will let us rent out his spare bedroom for a week next February at a friends and family discount. So Lulubell has a purpose in life other than being the ultimately cute dust collecting geegaw, and I have a happy thought about someplace warm stored up for next winter. :-)