December 20

I was back at the vet this morning for a follow up appointment for the new furballs. Ethan gained a pound in a week! The vet said he doesn't even look like the same cat from last week. :-) So, they're both on antibiotics for one more week. They also both got a deworming pill today. Hopefully their lungs will be cleared up enough next week to get their booster vaccinations. Side note: There was an adorable, chubby, old, half blind bulldog named Stella in the waiting room when I was waiting to get called to pay my bill. She sat in the chair next to me and totally loved me up. What a cutie! Anyway, I caught Itty and Ethan playing the other morning. I had wildly hoped that two, new, young cats would give Itty someone new to play with. Daisy will play with him sometimes (she's a few years younger than Itty) but most of the time she just gets really irritated with him and he gets so bored in the winter when it's too cold to be outside hunting. So it looks like my crazy dreams might come true! Although Ethan only did the batting paws thing around the corner of the door for a short time before he leaped out, went skidding across the kitchen floor like a crazy cat, and ran into the family room for no apparent reason. Itty just kind of laid there stunned. Daisy isn't up to Itty's energy levels, Itty is probably not going to be able to keep up with Ethan's energy levels. Ha!

My new stove is bleeping awesome! I've been a cooking maniac with it for the past week. My one big worry was making chocolate chip cookies. I use the tollhouse recipe on the back of the chocolate chip bag but I use a Crisco bar instead of butter to make them puff up a little, and I make them big and undercook them a little so they're gooey-chewy. I had the whole thing down pat in the old oven. I would set if for 350 instead of 375 and cook the cookies for 9 minutes and they'd be perfect. Baby doll has been putting in 12-13 hour days, the poor guy, so I baked him cookies last night to perk him up. For once I was able to set my oven to 375 and I still baked for 9 minutes, and........success! They seem to have come out just as perfect! Woo hoo!

Baby doll and I did, indeed, install the second blu-ray and surround sound system on the TV over the weekend. Turns out the LG blu-ray didn't support the Amazon app either. WTH?! So, back to Sears I went. I've given up on the "home theater system" for now. I moved the Smart blu-ray player that was in the office out to the living room. I know it's compatible with the Amazon app and I can already access that app through the TV itself in the office so there was a duplication of technology in there anyway. I can now stream my Amazon movie/TV library in the living room. I'll pursue the whole home theater thing at some other point in time when I have more energy and I'm not so disgusted with the whole thing.

The boys were here for euchre lunch on Tuesday. Toby asked me when I was going to have a blowout with my new, fully stocked booze cart and my huge ass TV. I mentioned that we're thinking about a Super Bowl thing. Jer says he can't wait! So, I've started drumming up some interest already.

Paul and Justin were back for lunch on Thursday. I should say Justin was back, Paul didn't make it to the Tuesday lunch. Since there was just 3 of us, we tried playing Rummy. I was getting Knock Rummy and Rummy 500 rules confused though so we spent most of the time reading how to play. We'll be ready for the next time though. Paul brought me prezzies. Not sure what I did to deserve prezzies from him, we don't usually exchange. Then I opened them and understanding dawned. He bought me a ravioli maker and a pasta roller! How very cool! I'll be taking those gadgets for a test drive in the next couple of weeks. I can't wait to see what kinds of ravioli I can make! I remember a couple of years ago I had a pumpkin ravioli at Edibles in a brown sugar/maple cream sauce that was out of this world!

Speaking of prezzies, I have a ton under my tree from all my peeps that are waiting for Christmas to be opened but my friend Karen insisted I open hers early so I did. She bought me a pair of UGG slippers from Zappos. I went and peeked at the price which was seriously ridiculous for a pair of slippers but can I tell you, those things are like walking on clouds! I didn't know slippers could BE that comfortable and warm. Holy cow! Thank you Karen! I seriously LOVE them! Even baby doll commented last night that I must like them because every time he comes home I'm wearing them. :-)

I had an appointment on Monday with Nurse Claire. Just a one week follow up to make sure all was well. I made peanut butter bars for everyone because I think that was the favorite during me treatments. I handed them all off to Claire to distribute. She was excited. She commented that she was going to be everyone's fave person for the day!

So, I'm just sitting over here healing now, I guess. I went to Walmart the other day and was grumbling to myself because my right leg is always uncomfortable when I walk. 98% of the time I can ignore it but every once in a while it just bugs me. It's not painful, it just feels weird the entire length of my thigh where they took the piece of flesh for the graft that ended up failing anyway. That's what really cheese me off about it. I have this tight, uncomfortable feeling going on all the time and it was all for naught. That got me thinking about Dr. C and him talking about how downhill my quality of life was going to go if I had the surgery. I agree, things aren't beautiful but I'm glad I had the surgery. I'm glad I'm still able to bake cookies to cheer up my man. I'm glad that I'm still able to adopt two new kitties and give them a warm and loving home. I'm glad that I can still snuggle up on my couch (although it used to be my bed before the big TV purchase!) and enjoy some movies. Life is still good as far as I'm concerned. That being said, I'm still going to grumble a little bit.

So, I got the leg thing going on. Then there's this whole weight loss thing. I think I mentioned that my PEG leaks all the time because it's too big, so I'm forever staining my undershirts. What I don't think I mentioned was how hard it is to shave my armpits now. I've lost so much weight that they're too concave (?) to shave very well. Can you believe that?? At least my left arm I can twist in a certain way to make the flesh pop out a little and I can get a fairly clean shave over there but my right arm won't move that way. Whatever they severed in my neck when they dissected it won't allow me to move that arm in quite the same way. And the fact that I have more range of motion in my left arm than my right arm really baffles me because it's the left side of my chest where they bent the pec muscle in half and used it to re-build my throat. You'd think I'd have some limitations going on over there! Other grumblings, my jaw and cheek muscles on the right side of my face have been cramping lately. It would probably help if I did my exercises more often but I've been lazy again this week. The entire inside of my mouth feels like I drank acid. I actually wash skin down the drain sometimes when I use my water pic. Ewwww. I can't hold my head level for very long. I don't bother trying when I'm at home but I guess when I'm shopping I must try because by the time I get home, my neck is tired and aching from trying to keep it up for so long. It's no wonder the physical therapist said a lot of larys end up stooped and hunched over. I have NO flexibility in my neck. And I think I've mentioned what a PITA that is on a daily basis in the shower. I can't put my head directly under the spray because even with the trach shield, the contours of my neck are too lumpy to create a good seal with the shield. So, I have to lean WAAAAAY back to wash my hair since I can't tilt my head back. Like I said, I can barely keep it level, for crying out loud. And I can't wait for the damn port to come out. It's this huge lump on the right side of my dress and it's positioned so that when I dress in the morning, I keep accidentally scratching it. Can I tell you how unpleasant that is? And the water retention in my face is really out of control. Sometimes my eyes swell up so much I have a hard time seeing. That's not good. And for the past week now I've been aspirating like crazy. I'm up every two hours choking. I don't know if the fistula suddenly got larger or if I'm producing more saliva for some reason, or what but if it doesn't calm down soon, I'm going to have to contact Dr. Miller because it's getting really bad. And I hate that most of the time when I cough up whatever is choking me, it's bloody. I'm pretty sure that's just because my stoma is dry from it being winter and things being too heated wherever you go but still, it's not fun to see.

Okay, that enough grumbling. Back to updating.

So Michelle e-mailed me and tried to get me to come in today to insert a speech prosthesis in the fistula. I couldn't make the time slot she scheduled. I had already made the vet appointment for the new furballs. And normally I wouldn't hesitate to re-schedule but Dr. Lefler specifically bumped another patient to give me the 10:00 time slot so that I would still have time to make an appearance at the QED holiday lunch today. I would have felt like a scumbag canceling. On top of that, Dr. M had told me they've never used an existing fistula to place a speech button before. They usually like to control the puncture themselves. On top of that, I'm currently not opening my mouth far enough to put the speech button in the usual way. There's another technique where they can go through the stoma instead of the mouth but Dr. M said it involves a lot of cursing. So after telling me these two things, I'm not sure I want to be their guinea pig! And I'm especially hesitant now that I'm aspirating so much. If the fistula has opened up more, then it's likely that putting a button in it will cause it to open even further and a) I'll lose a $250 button that I have to pay for out of pocket and b) I'll have a huge hole between my lungs and my throat! Anyway, Michelle said she would try to re-schedule and I haven't heard from her since. I'm assuming we're now on hold until after the holidays. Dr. M also said that he would be making me the appointment to have the Botox done on my saliva glands before I go back to work but I haven't heard anything about that yet either. They're suddenly slacking over there. I hope it doesn't end up being scheduled for after I'm back to work already. I currently have 3 other doctor appointments scheduled during my first 2 weeks back. My boss guy is not going to be thrilled.

Of course, this is assuming QED wants me back. I've been in touch with HR to see what they need from me for me to come back and I'm getting a bad vibe. Like me coming back is not a sure thing. I talked to some coworkers about it. I'm told the temp they hired for my absence isn't working out very well so they don't think there's going to be a problem with me coming back. I guess the temp missed her very first day of work because she had to put her dog down. Then a couple of weeks later she got sick and missed work. Then her kid got sick and she missed work staying home with him and I think I was told the kid is like 14 or 15 years old so staying home really wasn't necessary. Now she recently got into a car accident and missed another week of work. It sounds like she's been out more than she's been there! Maybe my vibe translator is out of whack. I sure hope so.

Although other coworkers have been giving me nightmares about what I'm coming back to. It sounds like our Sales guy, Chuck (my biggest job dis-satisfier, I might add) is making a huge mess of things and nobody has been able to reel him in. I really don't want to think about any of it until I'm actually back at my desk. I keep having to tell my peeps to shut up. I'm in recovery mode from cancer, for crying out loud. Let me have my 3-4 weeks of peace and quiet where I just have to concentrate on feeling better!

Okay, now I'm just rambling and the QED lunch started 5 minutes ago. So, I gotta go. I hope everyone has an absolutely fantastic holiday filled with happiness and love! I know I will. :-)