Okay, I'm totally flipping my lid and then some. I don't know who I pissed off out there but somebody needs to come over and just put a bullet in my head already.
I'm scheduled for a second surgery on Tuesday. It would seem that part of the flap has failed (ie: died). Dr. V says he can't see how much but it's definitely too much. So, they might totally remove the flap they just put in or maybe just remove part of it. They might make a new flap from my chest (more likely) or from some back flesh (less likely) or maybe even make a full new flap from my other leg (ugh). Whatever. Once again he says they have to get in there first and figure out what's what before they decide what they're doing. Meanwhile, he was saying something about running out of room in there because I'm such a petite woman so they might have to close off the throat totally. Not sure what that means. I guess I would then be eating through the PEG for the rest of my life? I sure as hell hope it doesn't mean I'll be walking around with a wash cloth in my mouth for the rest of my life! That would effing suck!
The only bright spot was that they do not need to split my lip and jaw again. This time they can go in through the throat because they're not hunting down cancer, they're just trying to repair a physical failure. This was a point Brendan made, that made me feel a little better. I was telling him that I switched from Dr. C to Dr. M because Dr. C thought that letting the cancer kill me was a viable choice that I should consider. I asked Brendan if he thought that was true. He said absolutely not. He said we're not even dealing with any cancer at this point, we're simply dealing with wounds, and those are fixable.
A secondary issue is my neck wound. They can't sew it back up. Period. The flesh on the edges has died and there's no way it would ever heal by trying to bring the edges back together. So, it looks like they're going to let it heal as is and they will likely do a skin graft to cover up the gaping chasm. It's not going to be pretty. I will be wearing scarves the rest of my life for more than one reason I'm thinking.
So, back under the knife. I wish my appointment had been with Dr. M today. He's much clearer about what's going on than Dr. V. For example the whole comment about things being a tight squeeze. I told him I didn't understand the consequences of that but he didn't really understand what answers I was looking for so he couldn't clarify anything for me. Ah well. I signed the little piece of paper telling them to do whatever the hell they want to me.
At least I'm going back into the hospital with knowledge of the tragic tissue situation. I'm going to make sure I'm loaded for bear when it comes to tissues!
My buddy H picked me up from the appointment and then hung out with me all afternoon. He made a bunch of phone calls canceling a bunch of appointments I had made. Plus he tried helping me get my new scripts straightened out and took me to Weggie's to pick up one of three.He was an absolute sweetheart in playing home health aide to me today. Thanks H! I love you!
Due to all the hubbabaloo, I did not end up working with Michelle for an hour today on speech and swallowing. Kind of pointless since I still don't have a workable flap.
JoAnn came through for me in a big way with stoma covers though. She said she has a 90 year old that tats one out on a daily basis. She then brought in bins and bags of them. There were like 100 of them and she said she still has more! So, she told me to go ahead and take like 10 of them. Which I happily did. I'm kind of bummed that I placed that order with the WebWhisper lady. Although I think hers are a little fancier than the simple crochet squares I was given today so it should work out just fine.
Dr. Brendan was there today. I handed off Sam's cookies to him. He told me he believes in full disclosure so he readily admitted that he would be helping himself to a couple of cookies before they actually made it to Sam. Then he found out that they were 7 layer bars (yes, I'm still using your recipe ElRay, those things are the bomb!!), he said they might not make it to Sam after all. ;-)
That's where things stand right now. Dr. V offered to admit me to the hospital today so that they can do wound care up until surgery time. I declined. I'm hoping babydoll will continue packing it for me once a day so that I can stay home and enjoy my little house for one more weekend. Dr. Brendan was super impressed with babydoll's handy work with the packing. He said that he did a really impressive job!!
Feed is done. I'm going to go take some pain meds and be depressed for a while. I deserve to wallow just a little in the valley of despair today, thank you very much.
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