I didn't realize how bad things were until I was halfway to my HBO appointment this morning and had to pull over. I was sliding all over the road and having a heart attack about it. I grabbed my phone and saw that I had gotten a text from Janice at the HBO place letting me know that if I wanted to come in earlier, I could because they wanted to close the place down at noon and get everyone home safely. I sent her a text back and told her that the roads were already awful and that I wasn't going to make it in for my treatment. I told her to get her butt out of there ASAP.
Meanwhile, I was right down the road from the hospital so I figured I would at least go pick up my meds. I really wanted to get the anti depressants started to see if they help with my frame of mind at all. I've definitely been feeling better but there's still an undercurrent of hopelessness going on. Not only can I not figure out what the point of living is right now with the hot mess that my body is in, I'm kind of wondering what I was living for before the whole cancer mess. I think a lot of people live for their kids and grandkids, to see them grow up, get married, find success and happiness in life, but I don't have that and am not going to have that. I remember I was happy though. I would come home from work, uncork a bottle of wine, kick back and screw around on my computer and get happily tipsy. Or in nice weather I'd be out on the patio reading a book and drinking my wine. That was my life and I thought it was awesome. Work all day so that I could afford to buy wine, books, and internet. Unfortunately, now, I'm just not seeing what the big deal was. Was I waiting for my next laugh? My next trip to someplace to ride a roller coaster and get a thrill? Waiting to make a new friend? Discover a new hobby? What? What was the purpose of getting out of bed every day? What's YOUR reason for getting out of bed every day and living life? Do you have one? Do you have many? Is it the simple joy of feeling the sun on your face? Is it that you want to see how that weird stock that you bought does in the market for the next year? What makes YOU tick?
Okay, enough introspection. While I was at the hospital I checked to see if the red tape lady had time to see me before our 1:00 or if she wanted to reschedule. Turns out she had time. Can I tell you that meeting with her was one of my best experience so far at Strong Hospital?? She was friendly, competent, and man, she got things done. She asked me a slew of questions, filled out about 12 forms for me and had me sign them, and then clearly told me what next steps were. So, it sounds like she's going to try to get me Medicaid. I didn't think I qualified but she's going to try for it. And she's going through the city/county first for help. Then if things don't pan out there, she's going to check out the Obama Care thing. She told me to let her know as soon as I hear something from Hartford about the LTD. She said she's going to have one of her girls call them on Friday too to see if they received the packet I mailed yesterday. She got me so fired up with her no nonsense, kick butt attitude that I came home and spent three hours on the internet completing the SS Disability paperwork. Phew. Glad to have that done and out of the way. So now I wait and see what goes on. Stay tuned.
With the SS LTD stuff out of the way I felt I was allowed to focus my attention on the kitchen cart that arrived while I was out and about this morning. Let me tell you. This was by far, the nicest piece of 'put it together yourself' furniture, I have ever purchased in my life. It was packaged well so there was no damage when it arrived. It's made up of high quality material. For the first time ever I did NOT accidentally put a piece together backwards and then have to undo half the assembly to fix it. The instructions were VERY clear and easy to follow. And it looks fabulous in my kitchen. Even baby doll has commented on it like 3 times already tonight. It looks THAT sharp. Check it out:
So the brand name is Dolly Madison and it says that it was made in Thailand. Which happens to be where my friend JBB is vacationing right now. They definitely do quality work there, that for sure. And just so you get a feel for how I've recently rearranged things in my kitchen:
I'm also going to keep my eyes peeled for a stool. That way when I DO have a guest over to eat dinner with baby doll, like Jamie coming over next week. The two of them can eat at the table and I can simply hop onto my stool and keep them company by being in the same room but not take up valuable real estate at the table when I can't eat anyway.
Along with my kitchen cart, I also ordered a wine glass rack that hangs from the ceiling. I handed that project off to baby doll. We're going to put it directly above the new kitchen cart. He needs to grab his stud finder from home tomorrow night though so that he can put it up safely and securely. I'll be sure to snap a new pic once that's up. I think my kitchen is definitely good to go for a few more years now. Heck, I'm not even sure what to put in my new cabinet. I told baby doll I'm going to have to drag a bunch of my kitchen toys back up from the basement just to fill the new cart!
Checked my seeds again this morning. It looks like one of the bulb onion seeds has sprouted. Although I planted two and a half rows of those. You'd think more than just one would germinate. It's a little suspicious so I'm not getting too excited yet. I'll be happier when more follow suit. Meanwhile, I took a few pictures of my greenhouse/family room so that you can eyeball that as well. Here's the rack that I started with my seedlings. My Yucca and my Spider plants are currently over powering it a little.
Unclear where Petey is going to be happy living. I stuck him on top of the pantry in that room for now. He's right next to a window (behind the coat rack) which is more than he was at QED so I'm hoping he'll fare okay but I need to keep my eye on him.
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I e-mailed Dr. M my disappointment in regards to the second screw hanging out. I told him that I'm in desperate need of a plan. I'm tired and depressed and something needs to start changing for the better. He responded really quickly. Here's what he wrote:
Wow, that all pretty much sucks. I'm truly sorry for everything you've had to go through. We will discuss in detail friday, but there are always solutions to these tough problems. If the hole is enlarging and there is more hardware exposed, it may be time to consider another graft/flap over the area. I need to assess it a bit more closely when I see it though. I promised you at the outset that we would do everything we could to get you through this and I am holding myself to that. We'll work together to find an answer and get you back on track. Hang in there and I'll see you friday.
Gotta love my glass half full surgeon. Hopefully he starts shaking things up starting on Friday!
The garlic chicken and orzo was a hit last night. The turkey breast and Italian potatoes went over really well tonight. Knock on wood, I seem to be on a roll with the new recipes/foods I've been trying out. No baby doll to cook for tomorrow night. :-( And then Friday night is leftovers night. He needs to clean up whatever is hanging out in the fridge and eat it up. That takes us to Shrimpy Saturday. Poor baby doll must get sick of all the chicken (and/or turkey) that I make him so I decided that Saturdays would be the night I cook a shrimp dish to break up the monotony. Although he had grilled hots this week with the meat sauces so I'm not sure how bored he could have gotten with something as exciting as that thrown into the works! Anywho, if anyone has a good recipe involving shrimp, feel free to send it this way for me to try out on him.............
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