March 7

So I stayed for the meeting last night. The meeting itself wasn't all that useful. Michelle, the speech therapist at Strong, was the speaker. She spoke about swallowing. The talk was aimed more towards people who's saliva glands have dried up and they now have a hard time making spit in order to masticate their food. There were suggestions of eating thin slices of either apples or cucumbers before a meal to help get saliva flowing. Or chewing sugar less gum. Also, smelling your food before you start eating helps your mouth to start salivating. Yeah, none of that applies to my situation. Michelle is a lot of fun though. Ton of personality and just a genuinely interesting person so I enjoyed listening to her even if I had zero take aways from the presentation. At one point the lady in front of me asked if there was anyone in the room who couldn't eat at all. A lady at the front of the room said that she really wasn't eating much because it was still too painful on the tongue graft that she had done. That wasn't good enough for the lady in front of me. She wanted someone who really and truly can not eat any food. I tentatively raised my hand behind her at which point Michelle smiled at me. She asked if it was okay if she singled me out. I shrugged. So she told the lady that the woman sitting directly behind her couldn't eat or speak for that matter. That's all the lady in front of me needed. Her name is Jean. We are now pen pal buddies. Pnina, the lady who is currently in too much pain with her new tongue to eat came to talk to us afterwards as well so she's on our e-mail chain too but it's mostly Jean and I who are gabbing at each other. I made some friends! Woo hoo! So there's no meeting next month. Instead, they have an 'event'. I guess this year it's some kind of tasting event. Obviously not something I will get much out of but I hear it's a big draw so if it doesn't cost too much (I think it might actually be free) I'm thinking of going simply to see if I can find some more friends. They also requested raffle prizes. They said they'd take anything to raffle off so I gave them the $15 Dunkin Donuts gift card that I won at Kunkel's Wheel of Fortune party. I can't eat or drink so I've just been kind of lugging it around. Baby doll's father gave me a dinner gift card for Christmas too. I immediately gave it to baby doll since it did me no good but if he hasn't used it, maybe I'll snag it back and donate that as well. Of course it would be just my luck to win these things back in the raffle that night at which point I'll have to go around and haggle with someone who won something that isn't edible. Ha! Anyway, I'd say the meeting was a success. Two new friends, broke the ice with the group, got the inside scoop on the next gathering. It's all good.

I got a little further in my Fran book. Stumbled on another shared worry. She's worried that her relationship with her boyfriend is too new to survive this cancer ordeal. She feels like he's "imprisoned" in a relationship with her. I know exactly how she feels. My man is so hot and so sweet. He could be out there dating some sexy babe who can talk and kiss and dance. Instead he's stuck with me. The curmudgeon that's all gloom and doom, can't talk, can't kiss, has no energy, has a life full of nothing but doctor's appointments. I feel so bad for him. Not that I'm planning on letting him escape, mind you. He's the glue holding me together right now! I just feel really bad for him. According to him I'm his best friend, we formed a really deep bond very fast upon meeting, and that he loves me. Period. So that's that. I promised him that I would do everything in power to be worthy of that love. I will cook for him, wash his clothes, keep a clean home, engage him in puzzles, games, cards, accompany him to Yankee's games and try to root in the right places, and whatever else I can do to let him know how sweet and special he is and how much I love him in return.

For the past two mornings, the first thing that I did when I woke up was check on the seeds I planted. Which is stupid because they take 7-14 days to germinate but I'm a little excited to see if I can actually bring a little dried ball of dust to life. Plus I have to check the moisture level, right? 

Speaking of green stuff, I splurged today. I had to go to Walmart to pick up kitty litter and there was a yucca plant sitting there for $11.98 with my name written all over it. Although that may have been poor planning on my part. I stopped at QED today to pick up the stuff that HR boxed up for me. Upon arriving back home I realized that I didn't get any of the spider plants that I was growing all along the windowsill in my area. Even if they're dead by now, I'd still like the containers they were in because some of them were kind of pricey. I sent an e-mail off to HR about the plants AND my watering can that should also be hanging around somewhere. I will now be going back on Tuesday to get those. She's also going to do a quick walkthrough with me because I think some of my stuff was left in the bathroom as well. She asked me if I wanted the monster plant too. I have no idea what plant she's talking about but I hope it's Petey who resides on the filing cabinet in my area. I've been growing him for over 10 years now. He was a gift from one of our past president/owner's friends when we went from an LLC to an Inc. The man who gifted it died a few years later from pancreatic cancer I think. And of course Don is long gone as our owner and president. I would love to be given custody of the plant that I call Petey. Now I just need to figure out where he would live the most happily in my home!

And even more green stuff.....I saw grass today. Yep, I swear to God. Actual grass. Around both the trees in my front yard. I did a double take but sure enough, it was a reality. Clocks get changed tomorrow, 3/20 I'll be doing up chicken, shrimp, and veggies on the grill to celebrate the first day of spring. It's finally getting here.

That was one of the things I talked to Dr. Rob about. I told him that I think the winter season depresses me. I've noticed that it's been gradually getting worse over the past 3-4-5 years. He said I might suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) he said that depressed people also tend to anchor their depression on a situation. Oh, if only I lived in a warmer state, or if I had a different job, or if I wasn't married, or.....he said it's a common thing to do. Again, hopefully the anti depressants will help with that. Unfortunately I ran into a snafu with them today. I picked up the script but didn't get around to looking at it until late afternoon at which point I discovered that they gave me capsules instead of the crushable tablets that Dr. Rob and I had discussed. There were instructions all over the place stating do not chew, crush, or break the capsules. So I had to send a note off to Dr. Rob to find out what he wants to do and I'm still not on the meds. I was looking forward to getting on them because I've heard from a number of people (cancer survivors) that they really helped. There was talk about energy levels coming back, and general happiness with life just once again being achievable. A random woman from the WebWhisper forum reached out to me and told me that she didn't even realize that she was depressed but her doctor decided to put her on something and she definitely noticed the difference within a couple of weeks. So she highly recommends that I get a little help from that type of med. I guess she's back off of it now. She said she didn't need to take it for long and it was very simple to wean back off of it.

So updates on all the lovely paperwork that's happening: Baby doll called that LLC place about getting help with the SS disability paperwork. He didn't really like the sound of them either. They also mentioned a large sum of money. He thinks we should try going it on our own. And yes, he used the word 'we'. Isn't he the best?? He also talked to Hartford about the LTD that they may or may not provide. Supposedly they tried to contact him twice earlier this week with no luck. He called them and it turns out they had a wrong digit in his phone number. He asked them about getting help with the paperwork for SS Disability. They said that if I get approved for LTD through them then they will be happy to appoint me an advocate who can hold my hand through all the paperwork needed for SS Disability. Sounds good to me! I'm still going to start looking over the application this weekend because it takes 3-5 months to process. I will also be finishing the LTD questionnaire from Hartford and getting that mailed out to them tomorrow to get the ball rolling on that. HR said that I couldn't sign up for COBRA until my insurance actually runs out which isn't until 3/31. This is upsetting Janice at the HBO place because she needs to call and get approval of the treatments ahead of time and won't be able to do that if I have to wait until the last minute. I have an appointment with someone next Wednesday to talk about what I can qualify for through The Marketplace (Obama Care). Lastly, HR was once again encouraging me to apply for unemployment for some reason. According to the packet she gave me today, one of the top ten ways that people commit unemployment insurance fraud is by applying when they know they won't be able to work due to illness. I'm pretty sure that applies in my case. One of the other top tens was applying and then not looking for work. I don't plan on looking for work until something on my body starts healing. I keep falling further and further apart in the health department. I want to start seeing some improvements ie; the gaping hole in my neck to close, speech/swallow therapy to commence, energy levels to come back to something closer to norm, weight stabilization, no lymphodema. Something.........anything.........I just want an improvement or two!! Anyway, that's an update on all the red tape I'm currently wading through to see how I'm going to be able to afford life.

Lulubelle received more food today. Andy and Kim each sent $1 to 'feed the pig'. Lulubelle got so excited she ran out and found a boyfriend. Seriously, I'm not prepared to deal with a teenage pig. First the tramp stamp, now a boyfriend with a Batman fetish. What's next?? A piercing?!