April 26

My doctors are driving me nuts. The last we spoke I was supposed to go in to see Mary on Monday and start treatment on Tuesday. Well, when I went in on Monday, Dr. Kim was laying in wait for me again. WTH? I guess he gave my situation a lot of thought over the weekend and it really sank in with him that this is it. That I'm not going in for any more surgery or radiation. He's the end of the line for me. That being the case, he decided that he thought we should do something more aggressive than this every 3 week thing that he had planned. I asked him what the point was, we know we can't cure it, we're not going to extend my life any, we're just trying to make things comfortable. He said actually he might be able to extend things. Oh great. Not what I want to hear. I don't think these medical people understand exactly how miserable it is to be sick 24/7 for years on end. And you know it's not getting better, it's just getting worse. Long story short. He changed my treatment plan. I went in and spent a good 8 hours getting stuff dripped into me on Tuesday and then I came home with a chemo pump pack for four days. It was just finally removed at 2:30 this afternoon. Worst four days of my life in quite some time. We will not be continuing on with this treatment. I'm still sick as a dog. Every time I start moving too much I start dry heaving. I've only eaten four cans of Jevity in the past four days. I've been trying to continue to syringe fluids as much as possible though. It's been seriously miserable though and this is not what I would call enhancing the quality of my life. So, back to the drawing board. Meanwhile, he said that studies show that patients on that specific medicine regime usually survive around 10 months. And it was really aggressive! So it sounds like if we switch back over to the every 3 week treatment plan, I'm likely to have quite a bit less than 10 months. So long as I have some energy and health for the cruise in a couple of weeks, I won't ask for much more than that.

That's about all I have to say on the cancer front. I'm in the process of doing what I call my swan song. My one last time for a bunch of things in life. Here's what I accomplished this week:

This past Wednesday I was still feeling okay, even with the chemo pack so I went to Stephanie and Tony's house. I made them a nice steak dinner to enjoy as a couple while I played with their daughter Addison (3yrs old? 4 yrs. old? I'm so bad with ages!) for a few hours in her room. I had an absolute blast! I had bought her some board games. Candyland, match game, etc. but she's still a little young. We ended up playing dolls and ponies and other fun stuff. She was trying really hard to grasp the concept of me not being able to talk and what was going on with my neck. At one point I needed a drink so she came out into the kitchen with me and watched me syringe some Gatorade  which she observed very carefully. A little later on we were in the bedroom and I went to grab a tissue from my purse. She said "Oh, do you need that to cover the hole in your neck?". I looked at her, held the tissue up, and wiped my nose. She looked at me for a second and then started giggling. Even at that age she realized that she was being way too serious about the whole thing! Ha! Then we were playing horsies and she was telling me that one of the horses was injured so she had to put a splint on the horse. It turns out the horse hurt its neck which is where she had to splint it. Kids are awesome!

Last night the guys came over for one last poker game. It was fun. Unfortunately I was feeling pretty bad by then. I was subdued and things weren't as raunchy/rowdy as they can sometimes be. It couldn't have been that bad though because I actually won. Well, Brian and I won the first game. We didn't play it out because everyone was antsy to get the second game started so we simply split the pot. It meant $40 in my pocket though which rarely happens! Woo hoo!

Although it seems I don't even have to win to get money in my pocket. I always end up finding money thrown around my kitchen after poker games. I should have collected $30 for pizza and beer but I think I somehow ended up with $60! It's like the money mutates and multiplies as it sits on the kitchen counter somehow.

Speaking of money, I received a letter from the insurance company today about my long term disability. I was approved to receive some supplemental income from them on top of the social security disability. Still no sign of payment but I have an official letter saying I should be getting something. I also received a letter from Strong Hospital. They have approved me for 100% Charity Care. I guess that means any copays or other monetary amounts that my insurance didn't cover will be covered by the hospital itself. I thought that was really awesome of them. I was so worried about not being able to pay my mortgage and being booted to the street but it would seem the money thing worked out just fine. I'll be able to continue my lavish lifestyle through to the end. ;-)

Next weekend baby doll and I have tickets to see The Odd Couple at GEVA and then it's off to Atlantic City to walk the boardwalk and experience a well known national destination. I'm still slowly prepping for the cruise. I have a couple of tankinis on order from JC Penney's. My little white Skechers that I ordered arrived yesterday. I wanted a very versatile, very comfortable pair of shoes for the cruise. They are fabulous! Like walking on air and too cute for words. I ordered baby doll a pair of Skecher sandals too. They should be here Monday. So we're slowly getting ready.

I'm off to sit very quietly on the couch without moving too much. Nausea and dry heaving suck.