September 28 -  Mentally, I'm over the moon. It feels so good to know that no more damage is willfully going to be done to my body!

Physically, holy crap, I'm a mess. I can't believe how much I hurt!

Now, when it's most important to be drinking my (3) Ensure's a day to give me the energy I need to heal the garbage dump that has become my body, I can't swallow anything! Two sips and I have tears running down my face and I'm promising the world anything to just make the pain stop. Which it does if I stop drinking, so that's what I do. Not good.

So there's this whole timing, coordination thing that I've had going on. I paint the Lidocaine on my tongue to temporarily numb everything up. Then quickly do the miracle mouthwash and the liquid Roxicet. I then wait for 30 minutes for that stuff to kick in. Paint more Lidocaine on and then chug as much Ensure as possible. The one sticking point is that the place that hurts the most is the top, way, way back of my throat. The only way to get it numb in that particular spot is to probably stand on my head while swallowing a mouthful of Lidocaine. I have not resorted to that yet. I just choke down what I can with 75% of the pain numbed out and let the tears flow. <sigh>

Working from home this week has been a huge help. I can take 3 breaks a day to go through what I described above. And it's nice to be able to down the pain meds every four hours without having to worry about driving or anything. Plus, when I'm at home, there's no one to make me talk, which is an exercise in massive pain, all in itself. Lis IMed me yesterday about boxes piling up at my desk. The only packages I ever get at work are RMA's which are not usually urgent so I wouldn't normally worry about them but she was in a panic and putting my boss in a panic, and whatever. I decided to buzz in for a couple of hours yesterday to put in some face time. I ended up talking to at least 6 different coworkers about how I was feeling. Nice to be loved, but I'd rather be home not speaking. :-) On the bright side, I got to sit with the boss for a few minutes and he okayed me working from home again next week which came as a huge relief. And hopefully by the end of next week, pain will be washing out and away instead of washing in.

I'm still doing the tank top every day but the Lubriderm didn't last long. Turns out it's not as neutral as I supposed and now that skin is actually peeling from my face and neck, that stuff burns! So, a quick trip to CVS and I have a large tube of the Aquaphor medical ointment that was originally prescribed. My neck is looking a TON better after only 3 days!

So, Tuesday I brought my tech team both an ultimate chocolate cake, and an ultimate white cake. They were in pig heaven. There were hugs all around after the last treatment and I took my lovely Silence of the Lambs mask with me. Tried handing it off to JT yesterday, told him he could use it as target practice when I cheesed him off at work. He said that even HE isn't that evil (yeah, right). But Maynard was standing there and said he wanted it so my mask is now hanging in a place of honor back on the shipping dock. It was making me laugh yesterday every time I walked past it!

And Tuesday at lunch R and Kunkel stopped by with a huge bouquet of absolutely gorgeous flowers and some fun balloons! Yay! Celebration of no more nuking! It was absolutely perfect. I was sitting there thinking okay, in the past I would be drinking, smoking, and eating in celebration of something like this. Since all 3 of those are off the table, I wasn't sure what was left. I did a little softshoe dance in my living room which felt pretty good but the flowers and balloons were the winner of the day. ;-)

Wednesday evening, I doped up on a bunch of pain meds and headed to my friend Kit's retirement party. Today marks her last day of being employed! She's such a lucky, lucky thing! I'm so envious! Anywho, it was a really nice venue at a golf ball and racquet club. The hand passed hors d'oeuvres were killing me. Stuffed mushrooms, crab cakes, coconut shrimp. I'm starving and not only does it hurt too much to eat, but even if it didn't hurt at all to eat, everything tastes like crud anyway due to dead taste buds. UGH! I don't know how much of this I can take!! Phew, okay, back on topic, it was a really sweet get together for Kit. Our county executive, Maggie Brooks, gave an awesome speech and the turnout was spectacular. There are very few people I look up to in life. I view most peeps in my world as equals, but I have to say, Kit is definitely someone I have admired from day one and she continues to impress me with each continuing day that I know her. Meanwhile, I saw a a bunch of the people I used to work with 14 years ago so catching up was a lot of fun. And I was told by all and sundry that I look wonderful! Amazing what dumping 35 pounds can do! Now, if only my inside would heal and match my outside, I'd be all set.

Yesterday was the dentist to get fitted with the fluoride trays. It was a 5 minute in/out thing. I told the dentist all the different things I'm doing in an effort to keep my mouth clean and healthy. Biotyne at night, water pik 3-4 times a day with the salt/baking soda mixture, the warm steam humidifier. She was impressed and said I'm doing an excellent job. So, I just have to wear these trays for 5 minutes twice a day to help with some fluoride treatments and I go back in two months so they can paint a treatment onto my teeth and see where I'm at from a 'tooth health' perspective.

I also got a call from the radiation doc's office yesterday. They had scheduled a follow up appt for me for 11/1. They were calling me to move it up to 10/11 because they were unhappy with how much weight I lost. Whatever. Dr. A can yap at me all she wants, I'm not letting her put a feeding tube in. I'm done letting anyone hurt me for at least the next year. No more procedures. No more cuts. No more poking and prodding. We are now moving forward. The most I will allow done is taking blood and doing the CAT scans. So, I'll go to the appointment, let her charge my insurance some outrageous fee, let her blah, blah, blah wash over me, and then I'm home again, home again. 

Which brings us up to today. It's 2:36 am and I'm wide awake, mouthing off in my blog. Sleep is kind of a hit or miss thing. Again, nice working from home just in case I have a night of insomnia and need a nap. Haven't had to take one yet this week but at least I know the option is available. This weekend Patilda is coming up to hang with me again. Play some games, shoot the breeze, and just be with me in general. I was whining to my man-servant last weekend that I've always loved being a solitary person and my alone time is super precious to me but I've noticed over the past few months that I've been getting a little lonely here and there! The horror! Say it isn't so! He said it makes sense because I've been under the weather. He doesn't think anyone out there wants to be alone when they are sick, especially if it's a prolonged occurrence like mine. I guess I'll buy that. I sure hope once my health is back my independence bounces back as well. Being lonely really kind of sucks! I don't recommend it! Thank goodness for visiting friends. :-)