July 21

I don't have much to report but thought I should check in and touch base.....and do some rambling, of course. :-)


I've been creaking around like a granny since Wednesday afternoon. Stairs are especially excruciating. I finally called Dr. B on Friday to find out what they did to me when I was under anesthesia because I was starting to freak out about how bad I felt. Turns out they had to give me a few extra doses of paralytic in order to get my jaw to relax enough for them to get in and get the biopsy. I guess this often leaves patients feeling like they were run over by a Mack truck. Once again, they couldn't have told me this before releasing me?? I was having a heart attack thinking I had accidentally overdosed on acetaminophen and the poisoning of my liver had begun, or the fact that a side effect of Vicodin is that it 'backs' you up and I thought my body was going toxic from that, or that my last tetanus shot was no good and they had given me lockjaw when they punctured my tongue to get the biopsy, or.......imagination can be both a wonderful and horrible thing.  

Anyway, difficulty walking slowed me down for the weekend but I was super relieved to know what was causing it. I ended up canceling on the Comedy Club with Kim and Jamie. They came over to see me instead so that I wouldn't have to leave the house. We played some games, barbequed some chicken, and had a really good visit. Kim brought me some 'cheer up' gifts. I now have a beautiful, leather bound journal that I'm almost scared to write in. I'm going to have to figure out a really good use for it before a pen gets anywhere near it. She also brought me a gift card for Barnes & Noble. I want to buzz out there some time this week and check out their puzzle/game section. The game that the three of us played Friday night was called Name Five. I found it in my game chest, still in it's wrapper! I'm so glad I finally had some peeps to play it with and it has now been officially broken in. And Kim has now given me the means to find an all new game to torture people with. Bwah...ha...ha.

Saturday, baby doll and I had plans to hit Waterloo Outlet Mall and have a retail therapy session. I wasn't sure my legs were up for much but decided to give it a try. A bonus was that I could dope up on Vicodin to cover the muscle pain/spasms, and sleep all the way there and back again while he drove. It was slow going but we managed to hit a few stores. I wasn't really in the mood to buy much for myself. Paying retail when I know I can go to a billion different thrift stores and get good, cheap clothes makes it a bit of a turn-off for me to clothes shop at real stores, even if they are outlet stores. On the other hand, I have no problem buying retail for my incredibly hot man. J. Crew, Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger, Calvin Klein, Eddie Bauer.......we hit 'em all! It was fun making him play dress up for me and it was cool being able to have him try on some new and different colors that aren't in his usual wardrobe. And let me tell you, he made out like a bandit! I bought him five pairs of shorts, four really nice t-shirts, and four dressy shirts. He's totally styling! And what made it even better is that nobody had ever done that for him before. Taken him on a whirlwind (okay, we were turtle slow due to my legs but you know what I mean) shopping spree and buying an entire wardrobe for him and helping him update his style. He was tickled pink which made me feel on top of the world. :-) Have I mentioned how much I love this guy?

Meanwhile he was feeling left out so I let him buy me a really cute pair of Sketchers and I was in dire need of some new 8 x 8 pans for my baking frenzies. When in doubt, new kitchen stuff always makes me happy.

Today I was supposed to be driving to Oswego to visit my friend T. I already knew yesterday morning when I got up that my legs were likely not going to be up for an hour and a half drive each way to see her plus I'd have to cut way back on the pain killers if I was on the road. So, I had to bow out on her. Temporarily, of course, it will be rescheduled. So, my actual plan for today is to lay in bed for most of the day, dosing up on pain meds and hoping my legs feel well enough for a full day of work tomorrow.

The stitch is still in my tongue, and hurting, it's supposed to dissolve eventually but I have no idea how long that takes. My lip is still blown up, from what I can only assume were the clamps they used. The sores have scabbed over though and are starting to peel so at least I know that boo-boo is healing.  Swallowing is still painful/difficult. Food is definitely getting stuck even more often than it was before.  I've moved back to eating mostly liquids for the past four days. Alas, this means the 3 pounds I had gained have disappeared again. My scale said 115.0 this morning. T actually has some protein packets she's going to send me to see if they'll help bulk me up. I also have two half gallons of ice cream in my fridge. Right after I post this I will be making myself a milkshake.

My second opinion appointment is on Thursday at 12:45. I was seriously pissed when I got the call on Friday. I already have this Thursday off from work because honey bunny is having his final surgery on his hand and I'm supposed to be his 'person'. Un-fucking-believable that I have to miss it. You would think with all the other crap that fate has been throwing at me, it could have given me this one little scheduling thing. But no, I can't be there for my sweetie. His sister is going to take him instead. <sigh> At least he'll be dropped off at my place afterwards so that I can baby him to my heart's content. I will have to make due with that.

Meanwhile, other than the activities listed above, I spent the weekend letting my brain percolate and ponder things, as I like to do. There are a lot of rhetorical questions floating around in my mind. If I choose to go with the shorter, better life, how much shorter are we talking? The first tumor was almost 3cm in a two and a half month period. I can only guess how long this one has been in progress. I had a CT scan back in November that was 'clean'. So, my guess is that it took this one ~ 8 months to reach 3 cm. The doc had told me back when we had the appt to discuss the MRI (before the PET scan) that if it was cancer we were dealing with then it was not raging out of control cancer, but just a smoldering slow burn cancer because it came back in a radiated area. That tends to slow the beast down. And I'm also curious as to how exactly it's going to kill me. Will it spread to my brain or other organs, shut them down, thus snuffing me? Will the tumor grow so big that it will shut off my airway, thus suffocating me? But they wouldn't let me suffocate, would they, they'd put the trach and the stomach tube in anyway until I pass? Or does cancer simply eat away at you until you no longer have the bodily strength to keep yourself alive? Besides all of these lovely contemplations, I was also thinking about practicalities, because hey, as most of you know, I AM OCD/list girl....

I have started papering Rochester with my health care proxy. Baby doll has the authority to pull the plug on me, if he can't do it, my mom is listed to step up to the plate for him. I'm working on my will. Sam has agreed to be the executor and I am also going to make her the beneficiary of my 401k plan. My mom is the beneficiary of my life insurance plan through work. Jamie has agreed to take over my house and my animals for me and my lawyer said the will can definitely stipulate that. Other than a few thousand in savings, I don't think I have any other assets or debts for that matter that make much of a difference. Outside of the will, I am making up a list of personal items that I would like Scott/Jamie/Sam to distribute. Scott gets the chaise, Kunkel gets the hammock, Sandi gets my armoire/jewelry, T gets my books/Kindle, Andy gets my foldout poker table with all the accessories, Justin gets my coin collection, etc. If anyone knows of anything I have that makes them think especially of me, that they would like as a keepsake, speak now and I'll put it on the list that I will be distributing. Meanwhile, Jamie gets the contents of the house besides what is on the list so if you think of something afterwards, you'll have to kick him in the shins for it. ;-)