Dying sucks

I get up every morning for no reason whatsoever. I have zero purpose in life. I wake up each morning and catalog what's failing on my body. What has deteriorated just a little bit more over the course of the night. Do you know how horrifying that is? Just sitting here feeling my body slowly destroy itself? I don't understand how people mentally cope with this situation. I'm so done with it, it's not even funny. I'd be happy to lay down right now and simply not get up again. Alas, I promised baby doll that I'd stick around for a little bit longer to give him a few last good memories with me. I guess that's my purpose for getting up each morning. Unfortunately this can't go on indefinitely and I NEED a plan. I can survive anything so long as I have a plan in place. So, I have a few more activities on my calendar that I'd like to accomplish. Tomorrow night Elvisa and Jonathan are coming to dinner. I wanted to see her one last time before I go. This Saturday is the City Solve. I'd like that to be the last BIG, good memory that I give to baby doll because we had such an absolute blast doing it together last year. I have dinner plans with baby doll's daughter and I signed up for one more Painting with a Twist class. All of this takes me to June 20th which is when I have an appointment with my psych/palliative doc. I've sent him an e-mail and told him that I would like to cease life sustaining actions as of Monday, June 23rd. I tell you this so if there is anyone out there who would like to see me one last time, you have until 6/20 to get a hold of me and make a plan for a visit. After that, I won't be seeing anyone. And please note there are a couple of exceptions to that invitation and you know who you are. After 20+ years of friendship my expectation was that you would have been by my side these past few god awful months, holding me, telling me you love me, playing cards and cracking jokes to take my mind off the fact that I won't live to see the age of 45. The fact that you chose to turn your backs on me and walk away from the situation speaks volumes as far as how little I've meant to you all this time and I have no desire to see that in person and have my nose rubbed in it. On the bright side, I think a nice balance was reached. I received love and support from some really unexpected places and am pleased that I made other quality friendships throughout my life. 

Anyway, not sure how much blogging is going to be happening from here on out. It's getting harder and harder to put my happy face on each day. I spent most of today crying. I just can't seem to stop. So thanks for reading my adventure and sending all your cards and e-mails letting me know that I'm loved and heard out there in the world. I love each and every one of you too. Even those I've never met. Be well, peace out.

Quinny