Speaking of stronger drugs, I've always wanted to try crystal meth. Anyone got any connections out there?? ;-)
Seriously, why did I try to kill myself? Because I hate having no control. I hate sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, wondering what new hell the day is going to bring. My death is inevitable. I should say my near death is inevitable, it's not like I still have years in me and I'm trying to throw them away. I have a month or two at the most. So since it's inevitable, why can't I go on my own terms? I tell baby doll all the time that I would like to simply walk into my bedroom, lay down, and never get up again. It would be wondrous if it was that simple.
Guess what? If you live in Washington, Oregon, or Vermont, it IS that simple. Those three states have something called
Physician Assisted Suicide or the Death With Dignity Act. You jump through a few hoops and voila, your doctor gives you a prescription for a pill. You take the pill, fall asleep, and within half an hour you're dead. BEST THING EVER. Unfortunately one of the hoops is that you have to be a resident of the state that sponsors the program. How much does that suck? NYS decides it's okay for gay people to marry and everyone from other states gets to come here and get married but I decide I want a prescription for a death pill and I can't have one because my state doesn't support it. Grrrrr.
Here's a link to an interview with a guy who was a huge supporter of the Death With Dignity Act in Oregon and in the end, when he had less than 6 months to live (another hoop) he took advantage of the act himself, the lucky dog.
http://content.time.com/time/video/player/0,32068,1508062184001_2109075,00.html
Which leads me to the options I DO have here in NYS. The only one that I know of, which I blogged about last time, is signing on with hospice and then terminating life sustaining activities. Which I have set a date for 6/23 to commence. I asked Dr. Rob how long it takes to pass once a decision like that is made. He said it normally takes anywhere from 1-4 weeks. Can you imagine?? I have to wait 1-4 weeks to die from starvation when I could take a pill and let it all go within half an hour!? Man, that really burns me. Baby doll said that after I pass he's going to get more involved in campaigning to get Death With Dignity passed here in NYS in honor of me. How freakin' cool is this man? Okay, instead of the pill, baby doll is actually the BEST THING EVER. The pill comes second. :-)
And on a side note, I've heard nothing but great things about hospice. Even my doctor friend, Karen, in Watertown said that the hospice program is fantastic. So when I complain about us not having the pill available in this state, it is in no way a reflection of what we DO have to offer being bad.
Most of you have been super supportive of my 6/23 decision. A few of you are a bit upset. I'm sorry to make you sad. I'm not sure I can make it better. All of this time I've tried to keep my blog upbeat while injecting some reality into here and there to keep us all on the same page. Now I question, did I inject enough reality into it? Do you really want a catalog of how my body is falling apart around me? Yesterday I noticed the spasms in my hands is worse and I'm no longer able to grip and pick things up very well. I'm dropping and breaking stuff all over the place. I'm having a hard time writing too. I just can't get a good grip on the pen. My neck muscles have atrophied even further and I can no longer lift my head level. I'm forever looking at a downward angle. The fistula in my neck keeps growing. You see the white, somewhat vertical thing inside the hole? That would be my jawbone, people. I can reach inside my face and stroke my own jawbone. Every morning I get up and have to figure out how to cover this damned thing so as not to gross everyone out that I see. Not to mention I don't want bugs flying in there and making a home. Ewwww.
So this is life. And it sucks. Yes, there are still enjoyable bits. I still enjoy seeing people. I still LOVE cooking. Elvisa and Jonathan came over for dinner last night and baby doll and I had an absolute blast with them. Talk about some interesting conversation! And as mentioned previously, this weekend is the City Solve which I'm actually looking forward to so long as my health doesn't deteriorate to the point of me not being able to go. We open with hospice today which means I should have a wheelchair by tomorrow which will definitely be needed for me to do this thing on Saturday. So yes, there's definitely still enjoyable bits. Unfortunately, they do not outweigh the living hell of the shell of a person I've become. I'm ready for the next step. Period.
Thank you for having us over. The food was amazing and the company even better! I am at a loss for the “right” words. We love you, we support you in whatever decision you make, and we pray for as many more enjoyable moments for you as possible. Jonathan and I look forward to watching a beautiful sunset with you and your baby doll.
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful to know you and have you as my dear friend. I am grateful for many good laughs we have shared over the years, and interesting life-stories we have exchanged. You have taught me some valuable lessons, one of them being the importance of keeping track of one’s own progress; because no one else will (and one will inevitably have to prove and defend their worth, time and time again). Not to mention helping me with my English skills; I still have a long way to go but thanks to you I’m not a total foreigner.
You have given so much, to so many people, and animals! My dear friend, you might feel like all that’s left of you is “a shell of a person”; and perhaps physically it appears that way due to all the beatings your body had endured; however, pieces of you will live on within so many of us that you have touched throughout your life.
I have to admit that it is hard for me to truly grasp and accept the finality of death. I suppose everyone has their own version (or have been told what it is by their priest/rabbi/minister) of what this “nasty” thing called death really is. I personally find comfort in the theory: "ENERGY can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only change form." Heck, it is the First Law of Thermodynamics, so you can’t mess with that ;-) Therefore, whenever you feel ready for your metamorphosis: fly away my friend and be free.
One last favor: if you could clue me in on what it’s really like “on the other side” that would be swell. Let me know you’re good n’ happy. Just don’t scare the living crap out of me with some “ghost-type maneuver”; or I might have a heart attack and join you. You know, something subtle yet indubitable.
Love you! See you in a couple of weeks for our sunset date. Of course, if you need anything else in the meantime don’t hesitate to call on me :-)
Dear Elvisa,
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful message of love and grace to your friend. I hope she has been able to send you that "indubitable sign" from the other side. I pray that her story will ultimately inspire passage of "Death with Dignity" legislation, in her home state of NY. Just reading this one blog entry of hers gives such insight into her remarkable strength of character, courage, and compassion. For what it's worth, I'm with you on that First Law of Thermodynamics --- your dear friend is still here, still with you and still with her beloved "Baby Doll," too. Death releases us from suffering but the Love, that lives on . . . always and forever.♡
Blessings & peace, S. Frieh Rudd
Dear Elvisa,
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful message of love and grace to your friend. I hope she has been able to send you that "indubitable sign" from the other side. I pray that her story will ultimately inspire passage of "Death with Dignity" legislation, in her home state of NY. Just reading this one blog entry of hers gives such insight into her remarkable strength of character, courage, and compassion. For what it's worth, I'm with you on that First Law of Thermodynamics --- your dear friend is still here, still with you and still with her beloved "Baby Doll," too. Death releases us from suffering but the Love, that lives on . . . always and forever.♡
Blessings & peace, S. Frieh Rudd