Confession time. Everybody keeps talking about how brave and courageous I am. Not so much as far as I'm concerned. A few weeks back I posted that I was back in the hospital due to a relapse of the pneumonia. It wasn't quite a lie, the pneumonia really had taken a turn for the worse but I was actually back in the hospital because I tried to kill myself. Yeah, I know. How effin' dramatic, right? It really wasn't. I figured if Heath Ledger and Anna Nicole Smith and all those other famous peeps can overdose left and right, it can't be that hard. Boy, was I wrong. I guess you need to also be strung out on some stronger drugs as well, like heroine, in order to really accomplish your goal with ease.
Speaking of stronger drugs, I've always wanted to try crystal meth. Anyone got any connections out there?? ;-)
Seriously, why did I try to kill myself? Because I hate having no control. I hate sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, wondering what new hell the day is going to bring. My death is inevitable. I should say my near death is inevitable, it's not like I still have years in me and I'm trying to throw them away. I have a month or two at the most. So since it's inevitable, why can't I go on my own terms? I tell baby doll all the time that I would like to simply walk into my bedroom, lay down, and never get up again. It would be wondrous if it was that simple.
Guess what? If you live in Washington, Oregon, or Vermont, it IS that simple. Those three states have something called
Physician Assisted Suicide or the Death With Dignity Act. You jump through a few hoops and voila, your doctor gives you a prescription for a pill. You take the pill, fall asleep, and within half an hour you're dead. BEST THING EVER. Unfortunately one of the hoops is that you have to be a resident of the state that sponsors the program. How much does that suck? NYS decides it's okay for gay people to marry and everyone from other states gets to come here and get married but I decide I want a prescription for a death pill and I can't have one because my state doesn't support it. Grrrrr.
Here's a link to an interview with a guy who was a huge supporter of the Death With Dignity Act in Oregon and in the end, when he had less than 6 months to live (another hoop) he took advantage of the act himself, the lucky dog.
Which leads me to the options I DO have here in NYS. The only one that I know of, which I blogged about last time, is signing on with hospice and then terminating life sustaining activities. Which I have set a date for 6/23 to commence. I asked Dr. Rob how long it takes to pass once a decision like that is made. He said it normally takes anywhere from 1-4 weeks. Can you imagine?? I have to wait 1-4 weeks to die from starvation when I could take a pill and let it all go within half an hour!? Man, that really burns me. Baby doll said that after I pass he's going to get more involved in campaigning to get Death With Dignity passed here in NYS in honor of me. How freakin' cool is this man? Okay, instead of the pill, baby doll is actually the BEST THING EVER. The pill comes second. :-)
And on a side note, I've heard nothing but great things about hospice. Even my doctor friend, Karen, in Watertown said that the hospice program is fantastic. So when I complain about us not having the pill available in this state, it is in no way a reflection of what we DO have to offer being bad.
Most of you have been super supportive of my 6/23 decision. A few of you are a bit upset. I'm sorry to make you sad. I'm not sure I can make it better. All of this time I've tried to keep my blog upbeat while injecting some reality into here and there to keep us all on the same page. Now I question, did I inject enough reality into it? Do you really want a catalog of how my body is falling apart around me? Yesterday I noticed the spasms in my hands is worse and I'm no longer able to grip and pick things up very well. I'm dropping and breaking stuff all over the place. I'm having a hard time writing too. I just can't get a good grip on the pen. My neck muscles have atrophied even further and I can no longer lift my head level. I'm forever looking at a downward angle. The fistula in my neck keeps growing. You see the white, somewhat vertical thing inside the hole? That would be my jawbone, people. I can reach inside my face and stroke my own jawbone. Every morning I get up and have to figure out how to cover this damned thing so as not to gross everyone out that I see. Not to mention I don't want bugs flying in there and making a home. Ewwww.
So this is life. And it sucks. Yes, there are still enjoyable bits. I still enjoy seeing people. I still LOVE cooking. Elvisa and Jonathan came over for dinner last night and baby doll and I had an absolute blast with them. Talk about some interesting conversation! And as mentioned previously, this weekend is the City Solve which I'm actually looking forward to so long as my health doesn't deteriorate to the point of me not being able to go. We open with hospice today which means I should have a wheelchair by tomorrow which will definitely be needed for me to do this thing on Saturday. So yes, there's definitely still enjoyable bits. Unfortunately, they do not outweigh the living hell of the shell of a person I've become. I'm ready for the next step. Period.